A College Decision and My Silent To-Do List

“So, Lauren, what are your plans for after high school?” ...oh, the question. Oh, the question I have been asked countless numbers of times all throughout high school, and especially in the past year. For the longest time I have had no answer to that question. “I’m not sure yet.” “I’m still waiting to see.” “Still trying to find some direction in that area.” …have always been my responses. Each time I try and glaze over my internal turmoil with a shy smile and slight shrug like I don’t think that anything is wrong. …and I don’t. …but I do.

The worsening of mental turmoil that I feel in relation to my college decision is directly proportional to the increase in the length of consideration time. As the days pass, and the deadline draws nearer, I find myself becoming more and more restless. I have a lot of options. I have a lot of interests. I have four majors among which I am trying to choose. I can only do two of them at once. Which ones? Which ones…

This decision is like flubber, if you’ve seen the old movie. It is as if the flubber of my college decision starts bouncing at the beginning of the day, and with every bounce from one side of my head to the other, it increases in energy and continues to bounce, until I reach a moment… like tonight. …as I sit alone in the quiet of my room, trying to sort out the next season of my life… and flubber’s going nuts.

I’m not going to pretend I don't constantly battle fear in regards to this decision. I’m not going to pretend that this whole process doesn’t occasionally bring me to tears. I’m not going to pretend that this decision has not concerned me for the last four years, and that time is not rapidly running out. But what I’m also not going to pretend is that there is no hope. I know there is an answer.

I’m one of those types of people who reasonably waits. I can wait until its time to act. I can wait and consider and ponder and analyze, UNTIL… I am out of time. This is my problem. I feel like I am out of time.

However, this is not a simple to-do list item. This item is on, what I call, my silent to-do list. Unnoticed by others, this list sticks around for a very long time, never making any noise in and of itself, but the mere presence of the list screams volumes. However, it is silent. Why? …because it is undetectable to everyone but me. Everyone around me can see when I vacuum the family room, but no one can see when I’m working my college decision issues over and over in my head. This is no ordinary decision.

I wish I had a prompt, victorious, grand, and enlightening closing for this post. But I don’t. I just have me. Lauren Marie, feeling incredibly weak in the hands of her Almighty Creator, trusting in 2 Corinthians 3:5-6, determined to keep working, thinking, and moving forward, and tearing up as she ponders the realization that “He’s been so faithful every other time.”